When a Woman Rises In Public

Recently my good friend, Joy, sent me a quote that really resonated. “When a woman rises in public, it unsettles those who broke her in private.”

Woman Speaker

I’ve been thinking about that as my second book is being developed by my publisher. I’m sure my abusers didn’t expect that I’d be a published author. Here are my thoughts.

The Threat to Constructed Narratives

Abusers often construct elaborate justifications for their behavior, telling themselves (and others) that their victim “deserved it,” was “difficult,” or “brought it on themselves.” When that same person flourishes independently, it shatters these self-serving narratives. Their success becomes living proof that the problem was never the victim’s inadequacy, it was the abuser’s behavior. This creates profound cognitive dissonance that can manifest as anger, renewed attempts at control, or efforts to undermine the survivor’s achievements.

Loss of Power and Control

Abuse is fundamentally about power and control. When survivors rebuild their lives successfully, they demonstrate that they were never as powerless as the abuser needed them to believe. This challenges the abuser’s sense of dominance and can trigger what psychologists call “extinction burst”, an escalation of controlling behaviors when previous tactics no longer work.

The Mirror Effect

A thriving survivor becomes an uncomfortable mirror, reflecting back the abuser’s choices and character. Their resilience and growth highlight what the relationship could have been if built on support rather than domination. This reflection can be intolerable for someone who needs to see themselves as superior or necessary for their victim’s survival.

Social Exposure

When survivors speak openly about their experiences or simply live visibly successful lives, it can expose the abuser’s true nature to their community. People who may have been told the survivor was “unstable” or “the real problem” now see evidence to the contrary. This threatens the abuser’s reputation and social standing.

The Authenticity That Follows Trauma

Survivors often develop a fierce authenticity, having lost everything false, they’re left with what’s genuinely theirs. This clarity of purpose and self-knowledge can be deeply unsettling to those who manipulated them by exploiting their self-doubt and need for approval.

BraveBeyondBreaking.com